I'm Wilma. Girl. No dragon tattoo. I love theatre, fashion, music that makes me orgasm and taking pictures. I have split myself between three places (London-Stockholm-Tallinn), but my current hub is Tallinn. Wherever my circus goes, there's always a party. If the party does end, I watch cat videos and blog about it all. Check out my yearly summaries below to get to know me a bit better. Header: Mandel Photography

If you have any questions: hemafruu@gmail.com.

Sunday, December 27, 2020

If things get bumpy

All photos by Getter Kuusmaa


Should I start this from the moment, when we decided to have kids or at the point where I found out that I can't have children the natural way. 
Let's just say that the time can be counted in years.

The infertility information could have landed on my table sooner, which could have saved me a lot of money on birthcontrol and SOS pills. Nevermind the little fact that my condition together with the previously mentioned medicine could have killed me (dramatic much)??! But I am still more into money saving. Look at this bloody skrimp!

My feelings around this whole thing is still hard to pinpoint, since I didn't want children, I wanted to have babies with Fred.
 If that makes sense? I love him enough to create humans together with him.

After tonnes of medical help we started IVF treatment. 
Although I was sure that coronavirus will cancel our efforts, that sucker did not have a chance to interfere. 

In June my super fit and muscular egg cells were taken out from my body. I was under anesthesia, I was strongly fastned on the surgical table, I can't remember a thing. Meanwhile it took Fred 5 minutes and some porn to do his part. It's a blessing to be female.

From whole bunch of egg cells, 5 were inseminated and became embryos. Only 2 of them were strong enough to survive. One of them went into freezer, the other one was inserted just before Midsummers. I was so afraid to walk and talk. The only safe thing left to do was sleep like a bat legs towards the sky. But even that didn't work.

The second try was with the frozen buddy. Doctor gave it high hopes, because that time I did not have serious surgical operation the week before. 
And guess what, the sucker stuck around!

There's no magical story to tell, how I peed on a pregnancy test and surprised Fred. For IVF people it's a bit different – doctor just calls you and tells you the news. And there was no need to surprise Fred, because we did the journey together. We signed legal documents with the hospital and all. No surprise there.

When I was a kid, I thought that it was super embarrassing to announce that you are pregnant, because then everybody knows you had sex!

Little did I know that I will get pregnant without any nasty sex involved. Little Wilma would be proud.

So the doctor called, I cried, how very wuss of me. I called Fred, he had tonnes of colleagues around and he couldn't cry or show emotions. Somehow, someway we accidentally met at a lunch break – we awkwardly hugged, because I had my co-workers next to and he had his. 
Actually we wanted to scream and kiss and hug and panic again.

I honestly freaked out on that day, because I had just changed work. I panicked, I couldn't handle the stress. But I sat down with my previous bosses and smart people, they calmed me down a bit. Apologies to everyone, who saw the wreck I was. 

So now the new gold employee secretly puked in the bathroom. Skipped lunch, because "too busy" not saying the honest "too nauseous".

Honestly my new years resolution "one picture a day" did not help me at all. It was so hard to document and hide my current situation. If you look back to my monthly recaps, then it seems that I am super tired and basically dead.

Somehow I was blessed with a lot of puking. Once I even ended up in the emergency room, because I was dehydrated. This included me enjoying IV for 5 hours straight.

Like I should now shut up and stop exaggerating my misery. We wanted baby, we got baby. Luckily I had too few egg cells in the freezer, otherwise the second insertion would have included two embryos and twins. I'm good with how it turned out. 


The amount of pregnant people at the moment is damn high and it's stealing my thunder. I started this journey before corona and before it was cool. ME, MYSELF and I!

Also, I want to mention that pregnancy is probably like hangover. The younger you are, the easier it hits you. I felt like I was hit by a train. The puking, the tiredness and the huge bloated effect – it felt like a big fart that you have to wait 9 months to come out.


Like said, I vomited more than "normal". It truly tested my physical and mental health. No pregnancy is alike and shouldn't be compared, but hell it is hard for me. 

One day I had massive bleeding and ended up in the hospital. During the doctor's examination I expected the worst, even the doctor was shocked to find the heartbeat of the baby. 12 weeks safe my ass! I will never ever forget that shock, fear and happiness in the end. 

Those who know me can confirm that Wilma always finishes her projects, I never quit.

The bloody C-19 affected everything. Fred could not join me to ultrasounds and was completely cut off. After the overnight hospital stay, we went to a private clinic and he was surprisingly allowed in! As I laid there, still scared that baby might be unwell, I finally had him next to me holding my hand. He saw first time the baby moving and the doctor told us the biological sex of the baby. Yes, I love Fred to the moon and back.


Getting pregnant and staying pregnant has been a challenge for me. Therefore I don't announce the due date nor the baby's sex. It's personal and we like to keep that way. However, I am very open to discuss our IVF journey. 

This so called journey is supposed to be the happiest time of your life with gorgeous pregnancy glow, but becoming a parent is not rainbows and puppies.

Not all people want children, not all people can have children 

respect the unique stories and don't ask "What about kids?"

* Disclaimer: There's always a possibility that things go wrong. 
With this announcement it's the risk I'm willing to take.

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