I'm Wilma. Girl. No dragon tattoo. I love theatre, fashion, music that makes me orgasm and taking pictures. I have split myself between three places (London-Stockholm-Tallinn), but my current hub is Tallinn. Wherever my circus goes, there's always a party. If the party does end, I watch cat videos and blog about it all. Check out my yearly summaries below to get to know me a bit better. Header: Mandel Photography

If you have any questions: hemafruu@gmail.com.

Wednesday, June 30, 2021

Wilma Circus in June 2021

Congratulation on my new adorable reason to be awake the whole month. 
I am not joking, my mind is so exhausted that I cannot even remember my name. 

You can't fix crazy, but you can document it.

1st of June
I appreciate this box like device that moves up and down without me moving my legs
(this was worth selling my soul to the bank):

2nd of June
"Hello, this is Wilma"
"Hi, we lilacs, we bloomin'"

3rd of June
Irrationally irritated by myself.
My fragile state of mind cried a little and called Fred to come home early (he did).
Red eyes, broken soul and a baby to take care of:

4th of June
Look at this bloody Crocs hetero combo:

5th of June
Lower your flags to half mast for my boobs.
I got 40°C fewer and the milk is boiling:

6th of June
New mirror, new selfie spot, high from medicine:

7th of June
I always open my balcony door like a nasty sexy whore:

8th of June
Fair enough that you vaguely see what I am wearing,
since actually I was wearing underwear the whole day
and only dressed up for quick Selver:

9th of June
Grandmother took the child on a spin, so I could go and get C-19 vaccine.
Best shot I have ever had (besides that fentanyl that I got during labour):

10th of June
My bed looks like someone has slept in it and that's a lie. 
We can throw the piece of furniture out, since it has become completely useless:

11th of June
Baby's first party. And she spent it like her mom few years back
passed out and slobbering:

12th of June
Current emotions = like I'm free falling and gravity is a bitch:

13th of June
We bought a new couch, but soon after covered it with protective garments.
Now I get why all furniture in the Telenovelas were covered with plastic...too much shit to handle:

14th of June
Aladdin vibes and quick shower before baby starts screaming:

15th of June
If being in my pyjamas the whole day is wrong, then I don't want to be right:

16th of June
Celebrating one month of parenthood a.k.a.
you can't fix crazy, but you can document it:

17th of June
Ma piilusin põõsast ja põrandapraost,
ma piilusin mistahes maailmajaost,
ma piilusin lakast ja laost,
ma piilusin katuseviiludest
ja terve mu päev möödus piiludes!

18th of June
Šarik came back from "Let's spare him from the first baby madness" vacation.
The hairy doggo spent some hours at the beauty parlor
during which we did some 32°C Stromka chill: 

19th of June
Screaming baby in one hand and doggo that needs to pee in the other.
It's fun they said, you will survive this they said:

20th of June
12 aastat hiljem ostsin sama maja tagasi:

21st of June
No blood, no tears, just sweat.
Being hormonal during heatwave is such much fun:

22nd of June
During the heatwave it's important to dress for the body you have
not for the body you want:

23rd of June
Midsummer eve and the only rebel thing we did
was to spend the night away from home (first time with the baby):

24th of June
Lost my head with being social.
I want to go back to my cave:

25th of June
On Fridays Fred is on paternity leave
and I am chilling alone in the fitting rooms:

26th of June
Doggo went all loco and I was more amused than is appropriate: 

27th of June
Granny took Pebbles which meant that
first time after giving birth Fred and I were alone.

28th of June
The strength of my vanity is strong.
The strength of dad putting his kid to sleep is stronger:

29th of June
Look at this bloody professional photographer
pushing iPhone screen with her big toe:

30th of June
The wind may or may not expose my trussiki the second later:

Sunday, June 27, 2021

Wilma + Fred = Pebbles

I was convinced, or at least hoped, that the baby was going to arrive early. March is Fred’s, May is Wilma’s and April would have been perfect birthday month for Pebbles. 
However, my due date came and went as fast as a bullet.

The waiting game annoyed me so much, just sitting there on standby not wanting to do anything or go anywhere. To be fair, C-19 restriction didn’t allow us to be active anyway, so that was a nice excuse (that had lasted over a year). On the top of being looong overdue, I was admitted to the hospital for inducing, however I was sent home shortly after, because the house was overcrowded. The whole Estonia was giving birth at the same time. I wasn’t that special.

However, on the second try few days later, my hospital record had a post-it "DO NOT SEND HOME" and mission Let's get this baby out started. Two weeks after my due date.

Also, I like to downplay the fact that in April the baby was forcefully turned from legs-down into head-down position (external cephalic version). Imagine three doctors just pushing my belly so hard that the baby spun like a propeller. “Not a big deal” I repeated in shock. 
It was all for the sake of promoting the “natural way”. 

It began with IVF, I got plenty of drugs to keep it alive, and it ended with wrong position, torturous days of labour inducing, umbilical cord wrapped around Pebble’s neck and emergency C-section. Not exaggerating here, but every new doctor that read my hospital case papers went silent for a moment and then looked at me with compassion like they had found a stray sick kitten under their car.
Yes, it was tough and during the 8 days in the hospital I was sure that my tombstone would say “At least she tried”. C-19 restrictions didn’t make it any easier. Having contractions so close together that I didn’t have time to breathe, and then comes the nurse to swab my nose. Also, the twelve hours Fred was finally allowed to visit me were the most powerful and soothing moments. 

The most bizarre small things meant the world to me, like Oatly chocolate milk (the true MVP). And of course Fred (my hero). I am surely more in love with Fred after all the experience. Butt naked, sitting on chair, Fred showering me. Wobbling around trying one hundred different positions to see what is what. Introducing the Ministry of Silly walks after my legs went numb from epidural. 

Let's stand up and give a hand of applause to Fred for arriving to the hospital faster than I was moved from second to fifth (or fourth?) floor. A-m-a-z-i-n-g.

He being there erased the memory of past horrible days and I felt like I could do it. Being alone and not knowing how long it will last were the hardest parts. Did it really hurt so much? Yes and no. The pain was doable, but exhaustion, overall discomfort and puking every time a contraction comes put it to another level. 

I don’t want to sound bratty, but few things were kind of odd during the whole hospital stay:
1. I was all about “shut up and take my money” to get a private room, instead I was in immense pain and spent my nights in the corridor or in the CTG room just that I wouldn’t disturb my roommates who were also in pain of their own.
2. Signing contracts not at the beginning of your hospital stay but at the peak of pain. Not really coherent. The discomfort had deformed my signature, since I was truly not cognizant. I still have no idea what I agreed with, maybe soon they will take my baby away and send it to Hogwards.
3. How pre- and postnatal wards differ from actually birthing rooms. The latter was like Hilton suite and the other ones were true peasant wagons.
4. The moment I got to touch my baby the first time in the intensive care (hours after C-section) I was given two shots of fentanyl. During this special moment I was high as a kite.
5. How horrible the hospital food is! Cheap doesn’t have to equal horrendous. 

Postpartum has been beyond nightmare for me. Pain wise. Mentally. Breastfeeding horror. “Everyone has breast milk”. “Only breast milk makes you a good mother”. No one cares that I hadn’t eaten or slept several days, which meant that my batteries were all out and Pebbles had been hungry for days in my belly. I was aching over my body and had recently passed out, but suddenly there I was holding my own baby. Surreal WTF moment.

It is unimaginable what is coming up and the journey is very personal. I am glad that I didn’t take any maternity classes nor conduct a birth plan, since they would have been completely useless. My only goal was to get the baby out not matter what and that I did. 

I will now turn this horrible experience into a funny story to look back upon. 

First trimester = sick, tired and secretive
second trimester = "Baby kicks are cute" and wearing sunglasses in the bathroom is cool
third trimester = take this baby out!!!

Each month has average of 30-31 days,
except the last months of pregnancy which are 2567 days long

Eating for two, crapping for two:

I didn't waddle, it was pregnancy swag:

Ate a watermelon:

At first I compared the baby with a fruit, but in the end it was
small watermelon, medium watermelon, a little bigger watermelon, enormous watermelon;

Hospital attire spring/summer 2021 trends;

Tasted different kind of medicine on the menu
and listened tonnes of "Käbi ei kuku" podcasts:

I was aching over my body and had recently passed out, 
but suddenly there I was with my own baby. 
Surreal WTF moment;

A minute before going to the hospital as a duo,
a minute after we arrived from the hospital as a trio:

Let me introduce you the heir to the throne
Pebbles Circus:

Look at this hetero narrative: