Wilma Circus in December 2020 – the story of 366 pictures

YES! I did a small thing to humankind and a big accomplishment to Wilma. I pictured myself every day, 366 days straight, and kept my New Year's resolution 100%. 

Let's end this year with a bang! By now you already know that I'm pregnante and can reveal that I was seriously running out of angles to hide it. Sharing my life suits me, but my uterus is still my little secret.   

For your pleasure you can now go back and check my tummy on every picture: 

January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November.

 1st of December

My employer ordered me taxi and Kaja pizza,

so that I would visit office after almost a month away.

They know how the raise my interest:

2nd of December

It's getting harder to tumble out of the bed and 

stumble to the kitchen to pour myself a little glamour:

3rd of December

That day we bought an apartment

and my hands became a bit shaky of all the loans and responsibility:

4th of December

C-19 cancelled our live performances,

but the band is still together:

5th of December

The minus degrees keep my ageing skin fresh:

6th of December

A very kinky and loving family has made a new human to this planet.

Well assured, they are pretty good at it:

The difference of
a) playing the first time – the noob

b) has XP 1000 – calm master:

7th of December

Meeting people during weekend and being social really gave me extra sparkle.

AND THE SUN CAME OUT!

*cries from happiness*:

8th of December

Tuesdays are now the office days and me singing

No mask on your face,

you big disgrace.

Spreading your germs

all over the place:

9th of December

Lunch breaks include me walking to the parcel locker

and picking up all the stuff I ordered online.

I have now 2 litres of shampoo, the bitch is clean:

10th of December

It is finally that cold outside

so I can unpack my flashy winter wear.

Life is too short to wear boring clothes:

11th of December

Gingerbread, Netflix and chill:

12th of December

Grandfather 77th birthday party and more cake than should be allowed.

Walking slowly but surely home:

13th of December

Luciadagen = the start of Christmas period

Like just a minute ago it was summer and we were having our annual Haapsalu celebrations.

Suddenly it's Christmas and little brother is back at home and out of quarantine.

My ray of sunshine:

14th of December

Fred spent his day on a small hill snowboarding.

In the evening we had our "Couple Quality Time" while watching daily TikToks:

15th of December

It's seems important to mention that I spent my day in the office. HOW SPECIAL!

I managed to surprise everyone there:

16th of December

What's cookin', good lookin'?

17th of December

I shine bright as a diamond Christmas lights.

(since shopping is not trendy and money is short, this is my only holiday effort. ENJOY!):

18th of December

LOOK AT THESE FUCKING GROWN-UPS

that just received keys to their newly bought home!

(Žarik is like: "Put me down and take me back to squirrels"):

19th of October

Another day me still sitting in the same room

and buying all kind of home decor online:

20th of October

I live in our old apartment and Fred has moved to the new.

#ricas #butstillpantsless

21st of December

Started to get that Christmas feeling.

I really enjoyed that I did not have to buy any or receive any gifts:

22nd of December

I had one of the most enjoyable office Christmas parties!

It was all virtual, lasted 4 hours straight and I could casually lay on my couch while attending it:

23rd of December

White snow and brown poop:

24th of December

Merry Christmas everyone!

C-19 cancelled our Christmas traditions and we restricted to ourselves to one party only.

The whole crew was contactless and tested before the event:

25th of December

I was very busy at doing nothing and watching Grinch for the very first time:

26th of December

Looks like I am drinking beer at a parking lot.

Living da vida loca:

27th of December

One of the privileged white girl's dream coming true – walk-in closet 49% downloaded:

28th of December

Happy new year to T-Lo!

We are all soon dirty thirty:

29th of December

It's moving day and show-your-butthole-to-the-camera day:

30th of December

The moving company packed our life together in 3 hours,

we unpacked in 3 days:

31st of December

We did some fast unpacking, washed ourselves and changed into sometime more glamorous.

First time ever, we spent the New Year's Eve alone with Fred. Or actually the three four of us.

Food, TV and toilet glam:

My 2020 recap will be delayed, because it was such a good idea 

to move into our new apartment during the holidays. Must unpack EVERYTHING first.

Happy new year!

If things get bumpy

All photos by Getter Kuusmaa

THE NATURAL SEX TURNED INTO MECHANICAL PARTY

Should I start this from the moment, when we decided to have kids or at the point where I found out that I can't have children the natural way. 
Let's just say that the time can be counted in years.

The infertility information could have landed on my table sooner, which could have saved me a lot of money on birthcontrol and SOS pills. Nevermind the little fact that my condition together with the previously mentioned medicine could have killed me (dramatic much)??! But I am still more into money saving. Look at this bloody skrimp!

My feelings around this whole thing is still hard to pinpoint, since I didn't want children, I wanted to have babies with Fred.
 If that makes sense? I love him enough to create humans together with him.

After tonnes of medical help we started IVF treatment. 
Although I was sure that coronavirus will cancel our efforts, that sucker did not have a chance to interfere. 

In June my super fit and muscular egg cells were taken out from my body. I was under anesthesia, I was strongly fastned on the surgical table, I can't remember a thing. Meanwhile it took Fred 5 minutes and some porn to do his part. It's a blessing to be female.

From whole bunch of egg cells, 5 were inseminated and became embryos. Only 2 of them were strong enough to survive. One of them went into freezer, the other one was inserted just before Midsummers. I was so afraid to walk and talk. The only safe thing left to do was sleep like a bat legs towards the sky. But even that didn't work.

The second try was with the frozen buddy. Doctor gave it high hopes, because that time I did not have serious surgical operation the week before. 
And guess what, the sucker stuck around!

There's no magical story to tell, how I peed on a pregnancy test and surprised Fred. For IVF people it's a bit different – doctor just calls you and tells you the news. And there was no need to surprise Fred, because we did the journey together. We signed legal documents with the hospital and all. No surprise there.

When I was a kid, I thought that it was super embarrassing to announce that you are pregnant, because then everybody knows you had sex!

Little did I know that I will get pregnant without any nasty sex involved. Little Wilma would be proud.

PREGANTE SENIORITA

So the doctor called, I cried, how very wuss of me. I called Fred, he had tonnes of colleagues around and he couldn't cry or show emotions. Somehow, someway we accidentally met at a lunch break – we awkwardly hugged, because I had my co-workers next to and he had his. 
Actually we wanted to scream and kiss and hug and panic again.

I honestly freaked out on that day, because I had just changed work. I panicked, I couldn't handle the stress. But I sat down with my previous bosses and smart people, they calmed me down a bit. Apologies to everyone, who saw the wreck I was. 

So now the new gold employee secretly puked in the bathroom. Skipped lunch, because "too busy" not saying the honest "too nauseous".

Honestly my new years resolution "one picture a day" did not help me at all. It was so hard to document and hide my current situation. If you look back to my monthly recaps, then it seems that I am super tired and basically dead.

Somehow I was blessed with a lot of puking. Once I even ended up in the emergency room, because I was dehydrated. This included me enjoying IV for 5 hours straight.

Like I should now shut up and stop exaggerating my misery. We wanted baby, we got baby. Luckily I had too few egg cells in the freezer, otherwise the second insertion would have included two embryos and twins. I'm good with how it turned out. 

THE WAITING GAME

The amount of pregnant people at the moment is damn high and it's stealing my thunder. I started this journey before corona and before it was cool. ME, MYSELF and I!

Also, I want to mention that pregnancy is probably like hangover. The younger you are, the easier it hits you. I felt like I was hit by a train. The puking, the tiredness and the huge bloated effect – it felt like a big fart that you have to wait 9 months to come out.

THE COMPLICATIONS

Like said, I vomited more than "normal". It truly tested my physical and mental health. No pregnancy is alike and shouldn't be compared, but hell it is hard for me. 

One day I had massive bleeding and ended up in the hospital. During the doctor's examination I expected the worst, even the doctor was shocked to find the heartbeat of the baby. 12 weeks safe my ass! I will never ever forget that shock, fear and happiness in the end. 

Those who know me can confirm that Wilma always finishes her projects, I never quit.

The bloody C-19 affected everything. Fred could not join me to ultrasounds and was completely cut off. After the overnight hospital stay, we went to a private clinic and he was surprisingly allowed in! As I laid there, still scared that baby might be unwell, I finally had him next to me holding my hand. He saw first time the baby moving and the doctor told us the biological sex of the baby. Yes, I love Fred to the moon and back.

WE SET THE RULES

Getting pregnant and staying pregnant has been a challenge for me. Therefore I don't announce the due date nor the baby's sex. It's personal and we like to keep that way. However, I am very open to discuss our IVF journey. 

This so called journey is supposed to be the happiest time of your life with gorgeous pregnancy glow, but becoming a parent is not rainbows and puppies.

Not all people want children, not all people can have children –

respect the unique stories and don't ask "What about kids?"

* Disclaimer: There's always a possibility that things go wrong. 

With this announcement it's the risk I'm willing to take.

Wilma Circus in November 2020

From 1st of January I started taking daily pictures of myself –  
I have now done it eleven months straight, every single day. 

Rather surprisingly I have enjoyed this process a lot.

It's empowering to see that after a shitty day, 

the sun comes up again. 

Also, I have survived November, the most terrible time of the year! Another C-19 test behind me, I can proudly embrace my negativity.

1st of November

Look at this bloody boring cooking show:
 

2nd of November

Yawning my brains out, because too little light, too little sleep:

3rd of November

Home office ergonomics at its finest:

4th of November

Look what the cat dragged in.

The ex employee wanted a mirror selfie:

5th of November

Vampire's Wife or Mustamäe Bitch?

6th of November

Bougie getaway to Viljandi Park Hotel:

7th of November

Domestic tourist by day and theater enthusiast by night.

*applause for Karl*:

8th of November

Wilma loves Fred and hotel breakfast:

9th of November

Returning home was a deep fall out of glamour:

10th of November

This is how I wait food to be ready.

I put my soul into it:

11th of November

I bit my lips, because it makes me feel sexy (not look sexy):

12th of November

Bye, bye future presidential campaign.

These nudes (with dog licking my feet) have cancelled my future political career: 

13th of November

My office is just one metre away. 

This is the lunch and resting area:

14th of November

If you say pumpkin spice latte three times 

a white girl in yoga pants will appear and tell you all her favorite things about fall:

15th of November

Thinking about all the fun that is running out from my life

and all the seriousness that is stepping in:

16th of November

Shut up and give me choco puffs, 

the 4th season of the Crown is here!:

17th of November

Home office kills the sense of time.

But staying at home kills the second C-19 wave:

18th of November

I was clueless about all the terrible things that were about to happen.

But doggo already sensed the future:

19th of October

This is me laying in the hospital bed and thinking

"How the hell the food here can be SO horrible?":

20th of November

Hospital check out + quality food = amazing day.

As I am standing on my own two feet, then no need to ask how am I feeling:

21st of November

The rare sight of bedbug:

22nd of November

I got this T-shirt for my Japan trip that never happened.

Now I wear it in my bedroom. Almost there, but not quite yet:

23rd of November

I have scaled down from 13 000 steps a day to 800.

SO PROUD OF MYSELF!:

24th of November

I'm just a basic white girl with little rainbow underneath.

Dedicated to my little brother 

who was nominated for the Future Leader prize at British LGBT awards:

25th of November

Having very intelligent talks with myself:

26th of November

Fred secretly woke up early and made surprise pancakes.

Also, elves brought cookies and batteries in my slipper.

AMAZING DAY OF FEELING LOVED:

27th of November

50 shades of brown:

28th of November

First time outdoors after 7 days.

Aka horrible busy day turning oxygen into carbon dioxide:

29th of November

I got tired of being part of that major historical event and invited some friends over.

With my fellow humans we pillaged the Westeros:

30th of November

Has a very efficient meeting with me, myself and I.

Nobody complained, nobody disagreed: